all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize