My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
