omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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