It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
