I wanna bring you to show and tell
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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