does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
