I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
