its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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