If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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