chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
