come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
