how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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