My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Operation Purity has been aborted
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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