She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
