she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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