one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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