just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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