the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
