When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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