i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize