I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
