not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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