ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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