Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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