I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Dear god my vagina.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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