Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
