I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
