I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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