Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
