I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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