just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
