The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
