I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
