Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
