Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
