I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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