I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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