she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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