Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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