I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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