I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
