dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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