You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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