I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Text me some of your sweat
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