I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
