good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
