i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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