I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
