Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
