I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
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