the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I still have a little drunk in my system
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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