I wanna bring you to show and tell
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
