just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
