My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
