i just wanna soil my oats bro
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he's single and there are thong briefs.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
