I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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