dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
