Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Woke up backwards on a recliner
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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