I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
