Only a mothe r could love this liver
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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