Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
