I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
