OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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